I once married a narcissist, but I lived to tell about it

Once upon a time, I married a narcissist…

However, I didn’t know it at the time and I didn’t understand it until many years later. In our brief courtship I was swept off my feet. It’s what the kids call “love bombed” these days and oh man was I bombed.

Yes, there were signs. No tornado sirens or anything, but enough to make me question if what was happening was normal or real both before and after we got married.

I ignored them though, willingly, because I wanted the love story to be true. I had wished so hard for love and romance that I thought I had enough power to make it happen, but I was stupid and naive. I don’t mean that as an insult to myself, just an observation because who isn’t in their 20s?

If you have never lived with a narcissist it feels something like this — when a text comes in from said narcissist, do you tense up and take a few deep breaths to prepare yourself to read it because it could say anything and in any tone? Do you take a few days even to open up the text message because the anxiety is so great, and you need time to decompress and prepare? And when the text is fine, kind even, do you let your guard down and then a week later another one comes in filled with anger and hatred and the cycle starts all over again?

That’s called trauma. You may have the same reaction from some of your family members or one in particular. Truth be told, you usually date and/or marry the person who was your closest caregiver and if they were a narcissist well then, you’re kind of fucked.

I’ve been divorced 7 years but married 14. If it takes you awhile to get that, you have never married a narcissist. My coping mechanisms have been therapy, alcohol and girlfriends. The first two I’ve weaned off from since the pandemic, but everytime I think it’s going to get easier it doesn’t. Yet I would do it all again.

What! You may be saying, but here’s the thing — I learned more about people and myself being in that marriage than I would have through any other life experience or therapy. I’m just glad I lived to tell about it.

For one, I was not a truly happy person when we met, which is why we probably gravitated toward one another. I was searching for love and acceptance in the wrong places. I was afraid to take risks and fail. To disappoint my parents and myself. I wanted to be taken care of because that’s what I felt society (family) wanted me to want.

He promised me the world and I took it without proper research or any real facts. That was my first big mistake.

Usually people grow and learn from their mistakes. I did, but not a narcissist. There is no self reflection, no self improvement and often those closest to them suffer the most. I was told everything was my fault and believed it for a long time. I would think I was duped and I acted like a victim — like I didn’t have any choices. That was my second mistake.

You always have choices. They might not always be the best choices or ones you want, but you have them.

A product of divorce myself, it was the last thing I wanted to do, hence why I was holding on for dear life even though my body was completely falling apart due to all the stress — from pathological lying to foreclosure to unemployment. It took awhile, but it was finally when I gained financial independence that an alternative to that current life seemed possible. This is some of why I write about what I do.

Women are still seen as the caregiver of everyone in the family, not just the children and her reward before was a roof over her head and new kitchen appliances. But now that women can afford their own roof and appliances, what are men doing? Marriage has evolved from a transactional obligation to a real love match. Yet what that means many couples haven’t figure out yet. Love evolves, matures and comes with expectations with a lot of gray areas. This is unlike a business contract, which is pretty black and white.

The change in expectation is why divorce is at 50%, not because of gay marriage or the perversion of society because frankly, society has always been perverted.

For me, I thought marriage was a partnership, for him, it felt like it was a safety net and meal ticket. It felt strange to feel I was being used by someone who said he loved me. I was doing all the emotional work and paying for the roof over our heads. He was sitting on the couch drinking bourbon.

I know a lot of great men, who treat their wives as equals and with support, care and devotion and they seem to have happy, stable marriages. I know they exist, which was my third lesson, I was not alone like I thought I was.

I didn’t share much about what was going on inside my marriage because I was so embarrassed. I also didn’t want people to judge my husband probably because I didn’t want to feel judged myself and to have to make a choice I wasn’t ready for.

I’m convinced that those living with a personality disorder of some kind, that makes them extremely difficult to live with, work with and just be with (both men and women) could be about half our population. Again, a reason why 50% of marriages fail because it’s tough to stay married to a narcissist if you want to be happy.

I believed in until death do us part, but a very wise therapist once told me: “You don’t have to actually die to get unmarried, it’s about when your marriage is dead, and your marriage is dead.”

Marrying a narcissist isn’t the end of the world, but surving one could be life or death. Take one day at a time.